Delicate and thin
Like the string hung above
And around
My neck
Delicate and thin
And thy queen, so dainty
And bright, like the sun
Sits above
And on
My soul – thy queen
Worship her and her rosy cheeks
Delicate and thin
Broken up
And laid out
On the floor; puzzle, plan
Longingly I reach out for your lips
They are strawberries
Bright and sweet
Red and lying in a bed
Put them against my lips, love
You turn you head away
Shamed to see me
Abashed
Ashamed
And toss me aside with disgust, disdain
Lain in hell for thine
Thou ‘tisn’t grateful?
Tossed aside
Under queen
Delicate and thin
Boxes stand against the walls
And their doors open
Welcome me
Take me in
Delicate and thin
And delicate and thin is my voice
As I sing my last lullaby
To the sky,
I shall cry
Queen and I, delicate and thin
it's an old poem of mine, but no less justifable, i believe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
This poem, like all of your other poems, was really good. You have an awesome talent so keep up the good work. \:D/
A beautiful piece and a very enjoying read. The only nitpicks I have:
To me, this stanza sort of stutters a bit. It's probably the shamed/ashamed repetition and the subsequent rhyme.
Thine is used wrong in this context. From dictionary.com: "adj. A possessive form of thou. Used instead of thy before an initial vowel or h: “The presidential candidates are practicing the first rule of warfare: know thine enemy.” And then "Thou 'tisn't grateful" also doesn't make sense. "Thou it is not grateful?" is how it works out... I would modernize the English and just say "Laid in hell for yours/Are you not grateful?" or something to that effect.
Great read, though. Keep it up.
Brian
The reason I was attracted to this poem was it kind of sounded like one of recent works (At least the title does) but this is a lovely poem, elegant. The only think that I would say is this:
I know 'Shamed' and 'Ashamed' are different words but they sound practically alike, so having them so close together wouldn't really be that wise of a choice.
But this very good, you are an excellent poet! Keep it up!
I love the rhythm/rhyme/repetition thing here. It's continually surprising and different... But in a very good way.
Under queen
That was especially cool.
Sorry, no useful critique, but I love this. It's so pretty, and I sense... Subliminal messages.
This was good! When you’re talking about being thrown aside is it the queen that has thrown you away? I can’t really comment on anything else because I don’t think it needs to be improved. -N